Here is the pattern for those of you that aren't on Ravelry.
The Shawl of Doom
When
you look in the mirror do you feel a sense of disappointment and
disgust? This pattern is for you! This interminable pattern is
something that no one in their right mind would ever knit (says
something about your personality that you are even considering
knitting it, doesn't it?). Akin to self-flagellation, this pattern
is ideal for those that have an extreme personality disorder that has
self-loathing as a main symptom. Perfect for those that have no
friends, no life, and have nothing better to do than knit stitch
after stitch in a mindless haze. Nothing says “I hate myself”
like knitting The Shawl of Doom! Also recommended as a back-handed
gift to that knitter whom you love to hate!!!
Size:
As large as you can stand making it. Who knows? How bad is your
personality disorder?
Yarn:
A minimum of 1600 yds of laceweight, up to 20,000 yds or more
depending on your obsessiveness. Anything less than 1600 yds and you
obviously don't hate yourself.
Needle
Size: Maximum needles size 2.75 mm, anything larger and you don't
really mean it.
Notions:
Yarn needle for weaving in ends (assuming you make it that far).
Gauge:
Really? Somebody would actually have to knit the damn thing and
actually care enough to measure it. I mean think about it? Who
really cares about gauge on this thing anyways, gauge assumes that
you're actually going to finish the shawl at some point, and there's
really no point in being so optimistic.
Pattern
notes: This shawl is just a giant damn dishcloth. A monkey
could knit it. 'Nuff said.
Directions
Cast
on 4 disappointing stitches. The backwards loop method is the
best/worst for this, it doesn't look very good and requires the least
amount of effort.
Row
1: k4 (no too bad so far, eh?)
Rows
2-40: k2, yo, k all sts.
44
sts
Row
41: k2, yo, k all sts. Start feeling a cocky sense of
accomplishment, start imagining yourself actually finishing the shawl
and throwing it in the designer's face. 45 sts
Rows
42-80: k2, yo, k all sts.
84
sts
Row
81: k2, yo, k all sts. Like a crystal meth addict, start
believing that you can do anything. 85 sts
Row
82-147: k2, yo, k all sts.
151
sts
Row
148: k2, yo, doggedly k all sts, because by gum, you're going to
finish this thing and you're going to LIKE IT!!!! 152 sts
Rows
149-200: k2, yo, k all sts.
204
sts
Row
201: Come to the realization that you now have over 200 sts a
row, you are nowhere near done this shawl, and you probably never
will be. Have a good cry. k2, yo, k all sts. 205 sts.
Row
202: k2, yo, k all the $%*ing sts. 206 sts
Row
203: k2, yo, k all the stupid *!#king sts. 207 sts
Row
204: k2, yo, k all sts. Stab yourself in the eye with your
knitting needle because you'd rather spend 2 days in the hospital
than knit another stitch on this piece of crap. 208 sts.
Row
205: Realize it's really easy to knit with monocular vision. Cry
out of your good eye. k2, yo, k all sts. 209 sts.
Row
206: Start thinking that an eyepatch is pretty cool. Start
feeling misplaced sense of optimism. K2, yo, k all sts. 210 sts.
Row
207: k2, yo, k all sts. Believe that knitting this isn't so bad
after a 2 day break in the hospital. 211 sts
Rows
208-234: k2, yo, k all sts. Realize that garter stitch is for
douche bags. 238 sts.
Rows
235-302: k2, yo, k all sts.
Row
303: k2, yo, k all sts. Cheat on your spouse. Use divorce court
proceedings as knitting time.
Rows
303-363: k2, yo, k all sts. Try to look like a victim during
divorce court (the knitting really helps with the image) 367 sts.
Row
364: Realize that you'll never finish this stupid $#%ing shawl
and throw it into a deep dark pit.
Row
364: Realize that you HAVE to finish it, because if you don't it
means that you are horrible person with no hope in life.
Row
364: Retrieve shawl from pit and clutch it to your chest while
rocking gently back and forth and scream “WHY?!” over and over
again in a corner of your basement.
Row
364-372: k2, yo, k all sts. 376 sts.
Row
373: Realize you skipped row 364, rip your work back and redo
rows 364-372. 376 sts.
Row
373: k2, yo, k all sts. 377 sts.
Row
374: Start thinking row 303 might have been a mistake in the
pattern simply because you could really use some support right now.
k2, yo, k all sts. 378 sts.
Row
375: Throw it away. Burn it. Throw it off a cliff. Give it to
a homeless dude. Perform an exorcism. Unravel sections of it. Cut
it up with scissors. Use it as a toilet paper replacement. ANYTHING
SO THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO SEE IT AGAIN.
Row
375-∞: k2,
yo, k all sts.
Bind
off for days and !&*ing days.
Weave
in ends.
Block.
